My Slow Descent

I have never had a problem with the unhealthy immoral ways of achieving my goals as long as it is the fastest way to get to a point. Maybe this, and it's created delusions and disorders, were my own remedies to what I think is a vapid life. I've recently...as in last night..realized this and am coming to the very slow conclusion that being satisfied with the negativity in my life that I have had a hand in creating will be relentless. It is a form of control, yes. But disguised as free will and spontaneity. Point in blank: I want to be happy and healthy. My attempts(and how feeble they may turn out to be) begin today. I'm excited...and scared...what if it isn't the bliss I hope?